So why am I watching it? Why am I watching Jim White talk like an idiot. There’s no Charlotte Jackson on my TV. Just a Scottish fella and some other chap. I get to listen to shit footballers talk about their latest monster contract. It makes me angry.

Marcus Bent has signed for Wolves!!! WOW. Just WOW. A player who has proved season after season that he’s shit, has somehow remained in the Premier League. Unless he’s working for Food then Wolves are mugs.

Ryan Babel is possibly signing for West Ham. During his days at Liverpool he averaged a goal ever 8 or so games. They say 1 goal in 3 is a good ratio, so I assume 1 in 8 is a bloody terrible ratio. The rumoured fee is £9,000,000. Yes. A Premier League FLOP costs £9,000,000. And people wonder why the sport is riddled with debt. I can only assume West Ham are hiring him for his rapping skills.

Well there’s 35 minutes left until the window closes. Sunderland have just paid £12,000,000 for the type of player who’s been signed by other clubs before, achieves nothing but disappointment and then leaves.

After the re-launch I tried to watch every episode and commentate on them using Twitter. I’ll be honest, i’ve got about 20 unwatched episodes on my Sky+. I want to watch them but its like cleaning out the shed. You want to clean the shed but you can’t be arsed doing it.

The Bill is my Shed. Once upon a time it was useful and an integral part of its surroundings, but after I painted it Green it looked shit, started to rot and now its content is old and broken. Old tools with lots of character were replaced with mass-produced tools that you think will do a better job, but they let you down.

Enough Shed talk. I wish The Bill well in the afterlife. Maybe one day it’ll return in its proper format. I shall not hold my breath.

I love the new format of The Bill. It’s like how it always was but more stylish. It’s like Sainsbury’s before and after Jamie Oliver started doing their commercials. It’s not quite like Morrisons trying to drop the average age of their shoppers from 65 to 40 and deciding that Richard Hamond was the chap for the job. You see, Morrisons is still shit, but Sainsbury’s have milth advertising now and The Bill is awesome.

Anyway. I’m gonna save the final episode of The Bill I have recorded for Chtistmas day, right after The Queen’s speech. It should be spiffing and proper crimbo entertainment. No bastard Eastbenders or Bobbinsnation Street here. Gimmie some nice trendy entertainment like The Bill, some peanuts and maybe a drink of Irn Bru. That’s what christmas is all about… Oh and the Baby Jesus.

Make this Christmas a The Bill Christmas.

Well I for one absolutely love it. It really is a breath of fresh air. Some folk say it’s a really shit rip-off of CSI but I don’t agree. For a kick-off CSI isn’t set in London. The Bill is older than CSI too. It’s like 30 years old or something.

Some people say it wants to be Cracker, but just ends up looking like shit. Well, again Cracker wasn’t set in London. It was set in Manchester and in Hong Kong once – I think it was anyway.

I often run the risk of infringing broadcasting laws by ‘tweeting’ a live commentary of  The Bill episodes over twitter. Nobody pays any attention but I enjoy doing it because The Bill is bloody brilliant. Here’s what I love about The Bill.

• Sun Hill Police Station has a HD camera at every crime hotspot within Sun Hill and it has a live feed into the Police station. I love watching the rozzers in the station react as they watch the drama unfold on their big tellys. It’s like a space ship or something. Bloody awesome if you think about it. Since The Bill is 100% accurate it makes me feel really secure knowing the police have such good methods of watching crime happen.
• I love it when they interview kids. It is well powerful seeing the police have to interview kids when trying to solve a crime. Interviewing minors is obviously gripping to watch and pretty cutting edge. Seeing about 8 child interviews per episode is just brilliant. I love the mind-games. The other week they had a officer get info from a kid by taking him for a ride in a police car and talking about computer games. That was just awesome.
• Being Northern I am obviously deeply racist, therefore I love how most of the arrests in Sun Hill appear to be of our Black population. It confirms what I always suspected and I shall use these statistics at my next racism-a-thon.
• That mickey character is just boss. He’s so convincing with his psychology. I wish he was my dad.
• The story lines are just so original. Some episodes are just so so dramatic. It’s bloody sexy.

So there you are. The new format of The Bill is the best thing ever. It is even better that better because it’s also in HD. This means I can see the filth of Sun Hill more clearly.

Everyone should watch The Bill. It’s on ITV on Thursday nights at 9pm. Or, just follow me on twitter for my live coverage.

This pointless entry is being made using the wordpress app for iPhone penis extension series. It’s all very fancy. Right now I’m falling asleep and am therefore just writing stuff. Talking of stuff, isn’t that a trendy comic? Like nuts but aimed for for people who toss over themselves owning the latest satnav, rather than than the wayhay! Brigade wanking over pictures of michelle marsh.

Well I prefer to read viz. It’s a much more sensible read and Roger Mellie is my hero. I would love to be him for a day, I imagine it’d be more awesome than seeing every northern rail board member getting locked on one of their shitbox trains and being taken on every fucking journey in there network, being made to stand whilst doing it- and charging the fuckers £80 a day for the pleasure. The lords of northern rail really are shit at their ‘job’.

This shit better add.

I write to you after seeing your wanktastic commercial advertising your wankathon mega-hyper-power broadband of the 20 meg. I am well after your product. It looks like the shit.

Do you see? I am currently sitting on a wank-as-fuck (technical term) faulty broadband connection. In that wonderful commercial of yours – you know, the one with the MILF looking for houses and the Bristol Live Frogger fail chap relaying the house details to the hapless estate agent, who’s internets are slower than a phone exchange upgrade. Well, in that ad the connection the estate agent has is just like mine. It’s faulty as arse. Now I want me some 20 meg sexy broadband. Yes, I know my distance to the ‘exchange’ (where is that?) alters my speed, and if i’m miles away then it’s slower, but I just want me some working broadband. Just like in your tv advert.

So, i’ve decided to dump my fine and fair Internets Service Provider to go with you fuckers. I am sure upgrading me to your lovely-time-sexy broadband will fix all my wanky connection problems. My line will stop disconnecting, running slower than a concrete slab of shit and fuck up because your ad shows my “up-to-8-meg” connection and it’s toss. Then I see your “up-to-20-meg” connection and its awesome. I’m gonna be loving this. I cannot wait for extra-fast porn… soz, i mean learning shit from Wikipedia well fast.

Awesome.

Things weren’t right from the start. Bilic’s suit jacket was rather ill-fitting. It was too big, and whilst he’d normally wears a loose Jacket (he moves about a lot during games) this one was simply too big. It looked cheap and you don’t often say that about Slaven Bilic. He appeared to have been banned from smoking too. So that was two of his armories down. Sure, he still had his tactical head and motivational skills, but when your players are complacent, your words mean little.

It isn’t often that England play well in a game they’re not expected to win. Sometimes they’ll get the result, but there will be something about the performance that defeatists will pick up on. Tonight was different. Tactically spot on, the players applied these to the letter and looked interested. It’s simple, England were better for the entire game. The hattrick by Walcott was fairytale stuff. Frank Lampard playing well was almost unbelievable and Wayne Rooney having a good game up front was a case of “about time too”.

There wasn’t really a poor performance out there. Before he got his head smashed off, Joe Cole was a pain in the Croat’s arse. His replacement, Jenas, did well too. 1-4 was the score. It should have been 0-5 considering Lampard’s perfectly fair goal being disallowed and Croatia’s goal coming from a very high boot. The referee didn’t have a good game, but in the end it didn’t matter.

England should now be buzzing (it doesn’t always work like that though). Croatia are somewhat at a cross-roads. They went into their Euro 2008 match against Russia expecting to win, after-all, they’d qualified above them. They lost, it was a shock. Croatia expected to beat England, after-all they’d beat them twice in qualifying for Euro 2008. Talk was of handing out a hammering, 3-0 to Croatia. The result was a team who believe their own hype. They believed they were better than they actually are and on the night they were battered. What now for Croatia? That’s two unexpected and shattering results for them. Do they pick themselves up and find their “eye-of-the-tiger” again or do they convince themselves that they only got hammered due to having 10 men and them being outplayed for the 53 or so minutes before didn’t happen? If they opt for the former then they’ll qualify from the group. If they do the latter and continue to believe their own hype, they may still qualify, but without any real style and won’t challenge the top of the group – trusting the England players retain their drive, which is sadly far from certain.

Ukraine must be looking on with some interest. England might be better than they’d been planning for them to be, but Croatia now look a shadow of the side that beat England at Wembley nearly a year ago. With the possibility of England returning to their former uninspiring self and Croatia being wounded. Perhaps it is their chance to steal in and qualify for South Africa 2010?

Time will tell.

I jogged back towards the halfway line, ready for the goal kick as my team mate screamed at me about not passing. It didn’t bother me though because my shot was pretty cool. Before the goal kick could be taken our manager decided to make a substitution. He was substituting me! Why? I’d been our biggest threat all game and set up our goal. I jogged off, wished my replacement – donkey davis – the best of luck and shook the coaches/pe teachers hand. Rather than getting the customary “well done son” pat on the back, I got an earful of abuse. He told me ” I lacked Dignity” and sent me to the changing rooms to get changed.

Why am i reminiscing about days where I was less fat, had more hair and could run about for more than 15 minutes without collapsing? Something I saw at the weekend reminded me of my coaches hard words. He had later told me I spent most of the game ignoring my team mates and trying to make myself the centre of everything. Me not passing to a team mate when they were unmarked was the final straw for him. I’d apparently not treated my team mates with respect and therefore were below their dignity. His comments hurt because these people were my friends, I meant well but I was being told by someone I very much respected that I was not showing them respect and therefore was not worth theirs.

His honest assessment of the footballing me certainly changed me. It changed me for the better. I became the person who ‘did the right thing’ most of the time (we all make mistakes) and I earned back the respect and trust of my team mates. As a football team we improved no end, and funnily enough I scored more goals and had better games when I played with dignity and an open and fair mind as to what was around me. We all make mistakes at times, but those mistakes were honest mistakes and excusable.

So what reminded me of the good old days? A certain Stewards decision at the FIA Formula One Belgian Grand Prix. When I watch sports I expect a level playing field. Mistakes are made, but they’re usually honest mistakes and often can be fixed to a degree afterwards (not always though, don’t get me started on that **** beeby and the fa). What I don’t expect are decisions that are predictable but unfair. The rulers of sports preach fair play, and this is a request that’ll be echoed by all, but fair play should run for the law makers too.

I could go over and over the facts regarding Lewis Hamilton’s “cheat” against Kimi Raikkonen. TV pictures of the affair suggest the ruling by the stewards was harsh. Watching the last five laps in their entirety will demonstrate quite clearly the problems Raikkonen was having in keeping his Ferrari pointing the right way, whereas Hamilton was having more success at keeping his McLaren on the road. So an assumption that Hamilton gained an advantage using his forced chicane cut when comparing Raikkonen’s performance on that lap to earlier in the race where he could handle his car is wrong. It is important to remember that on the lap where the offence happened, Raikkonen span and took his car off the road twice, the second time being the last time as he pash’d the wall. Hamilton went off once, and that was to avoid a spinning car.

That is my argument against Hamilton’s punishment made. Lets assume i’ve gone on about Kimi Raikkonen’s unusual defensive tactics, his little shunt on Hamilton and using a run-off area to try and overtake too. Let’s throw in the lack of a drive-thru penalty for the pit stop offence the week before, and i’ve listed half a dozen other offences that Ferrari appear to have been favoured on in the past.

Call my cynical, call me a ‘fanboy’ (I am not, I don’t care who wins) and even call me a bitter British racist-against-Italians fool if you wish (again, I am not). Those beliefs that Ferrari get some rather nice treatment from the FIA is shared by hundreds of thousands. Yes, some will be fanboys, but most are neutral observers, corporate whores and smart supporters who know when they’re seeing something that doesn’t quite add up.

I’d class myself as a neutral observer, but working towards being a smart supporter. I don’t need to be savvy to F1 history or politics to see when something stinks, and on Sunday I saw something that stunk. It stole the show, it became bigger than the race, it made a mockery of the hundreds who participate in each Grand Prix and it called the integrity and dignity of the stewards – and therefore its ruling body – into question.

A sport without dignity just becomes a show, or a spectical. I’ve read it being compared to Professional Wrestling. It is a good comparison because right now, F1 is closer to being storyline based than it is to being a sport. Watch some wrestling and you’ll see those wrestlers are really talented. Some of the things they do are amazing and they’re mostly great showmen. Sure, the best entertainers and wrestlers will rise to the top – so there is some competitive element to it – but its ultimately run by a creative department. F1 drivers are hugely talented, some of the stuff they can do is amazing and when you stand just a few metres from the track it blows your mind. They’re undoubtedly good showmen and again, the best will race for the best teams. Like Pro-Wrestling its also a great over-the-top show. Where they differ is F1 doesn’t have a creative department… not officially anyway.

People will say Wrestling is either fun or it’s sad. Most will give some kudos for the bodies and acrobatics the wrestlers can do, but if you told them it was all real they’d laugh. As a show it will be enjoyed by those who want to be entertained, as a sport it’ll be scoffed at. F1 must see itself as both a sport and a show. Their superstar is Ferrari so its important Ferrari look good. Like a good wrestling show, the main event has to be spectacular and get your interest right to the end. For F1 to match this it’ll need to go all the way to the end of the season, with the WDC and WCC as close as possible. Ferrari don’t have to win all the time, but they must be competing.

Back to Dignity. All sports need their fans to have faith in them. They need to believe that cheats will be punished and unfair punishments on the day will be reviewed. Its a crappy old line that Sky Sports use all the time when covering football but I feel it works for F1 too: “we’ve just watched a great game but we’re talking about the referee again”. Why are stewards an issue here? Stewards should be seen and not heard, unless its an on-screen graphic telling us of a drive-thru penalty. I don’t want to know their names. If they need to be heard then it should be to explain the offence, the rules broken and the standard punishment. They could program a computer to say that. [driver name] [full details of offence + any technical details if needed to back it up] [law number(s)] [punishment]. At the time of writing the FIA haven’t given the technical details. “Gained an advantage” is as far as they’ve gone. For such a big punishment on a debatable decision this isn’t enough.

Hardcore fans of F1 have said they’ll stop watching because of this punishment – i think we all know they’ll be watching this weekend – others have just condemned the decision. Most people – both dedicated to the sport or skeptical of its entertainment value – are calling its integrity into question and therefore its dignity. It stands accused of governing with an unfair hand. For most sports or individuals this would be devastating and they’d do their all to rid themselves of these inconstancies so people could have faith again. F1 on the other hand appears comfortable with these accusations that have gone on for years. They know the sponsors and money will never go whilst the Middle East has so much money and billionaires are willing to fund races elsewhere, so why should they worry. As they say in show-business. The Show must go on.